Yellow is Bear 31, Light Blue is the interviewer, Albert Patterson.
This interview was held on July 23rd, 2032, near Downtown Los Angeles, California, USA, Earth, at around 15:32 PST. WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT AHEAD.
Are we on?
Now we are.
Where do you wanna start?
Let's see. How.. do you like your coffee?
Dawg,kh I don't even drink coffee.
(They both laugh.)
That's like, the worst question you could ask a teddy bear. It's like me asking "Hey, guy, what kind of stuffing are you made out of?"
(Laughing) God damn, alright. Sorry. Alright, a better question.. where are you from?
I'm from Los Angeles, California. I was made in a toy factory around like 2023, and I remember like, falling from the sky and all of a sudden I'm just on this conveyor belt.
And I'm like, "what the hell?! Where am I?" So I start running and running and that just freaks everyone out. I remember one worker even fainting like, falling onto solid concrete. (Bear 31 lightly hits the concrete floor of the studio the interview is being held in.) No one tried catching me so I just ran towards the nearest exit sign.
Were you just.. born with this knowledge? As in like, you knew english and what a door was and everything.
Yeah, I don't know where I learned it but I just had it. So I'm running, no one's tryna stop me, and I find a door. I try opening it, but I'm just a fat little teddy bear so I clearly can't, so I panic and start looking for an some kind of opening, just SOMETHING, y'know?
You didn't say anything to me being fat, by the way.
Man, what do you want me to say? (Laughing) "You're not fat! You're as skinny as vibin!"
I want you to compare me to a twig, you god damn nimwit. Anyways-
(Both laugh, Albert begins weezing.)
Anyways, before SOMEONE rudely interrupted me I- shit man I interrupted myself. (laughs)
Yeah, that's what I thought.
But yeah uh, I tried breaking a window and it actually worked somehow-
That's some weak ass glass dude.
Will you shut the fuck up?
Like for once in your life, my god. (Laughs.) But anyways, I began running and it was like 21:00 (9PM) so next to no one was outside. I just ran and ran and got tired so I went behind this bush and took a nap. That's basically my birth story. Y'know, in summary, I woke up, broke through a window, and slept.
(Sarcastically) Wow, great story. (Begins snoring.)
I swear to everything that is holy I will make you regret your career choices.
Okay sorry. So, when were you picked up by a KHS employee?
It was like 2028, I think? It was some time around then. I remember that the country (United States of America) had a new president or something. At this time, a child left me in a patch of dirt and a group of like 5 people walked by where I was sleeping. One of them thought I looked cool or something, I guess. He picked me up and that fucking scared me, so I started violently shaking my limbs and that terrified the shit out of them.
I remember the day we found you, the whole corporation was freaking out because all other hempatic taramocious species at the time were either incapable of speaking, didn't speak english very well, or were simply not human the way you are.
Mannn, shut up.
But yeah, they took me in and began doin' like, experiments on me. That's when they found out i need to socialize or else I'd become a literal monster.
Bear, I've seen your breakdowns. They're not pretty.
No shit. It's a breakdown. What, do you expect me to start singing Christmas carols, donate a billion dollars to charity, spin around like a little ballerina?
(Laughing) No, I expect you to go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
I will kill you.
(Laughing) M'kay buddy.
It's because I'm a teddy bear isn't it? Yeah, bearist. (Laughs.)
Yeah sure. I'm bearist. Your breakdowns, they're not pretty. What do you do during them, to those reading at home?
First of all, I completely forgot this is being recorded. Second of all, readers at home, stay in school. Don't do drugs. I'll get to that in a second. My breakdowns are basically just.. I scream, cry, kick things, throw things around, the whole shabang. All I ask for is to be able to talk to someone daily. I'm very social, kind, and just like people.
I'd disagree with you.
Man, fuck you.
Fiesty today, are we?
Dawg, I'm actin' like this 'cause you keep firing me up.
Okay, sorry. Continue with you stupid stories or whatever (Albert laughs).
Can you say something nice for once? Why you gotta be a negative Nancy all the time?
Why are you bringing up sayings from like 1950?
There you go again, I'm just gonna start ignoring you.
What kind of music do you listen to?
I'll get to that in a bit, but.. what were we even talking about?
(Both laugh; David Alas, manager: "Your breakdowns.")
Right, I go insane. I need to talk to someone like every day, it's my favorite part of the day.
Cool. Do you listen to any music to help calm you down?
Yeah, sometimes I'll listen to some old Kendrick Lamar albums, like "DAMN." or some Kanye West's Donda. I don't fuck with the new music, although it's still good but I don't like Kendrick Lamar's "Bumblebee" that much.
You don't like "Roseberry Drive"? That song is genuinely great.
I never said that, I just don't like the album overall. Too generic in my opinion. I think in like 2021, was it 2021?
What was in 2021?
When "Donda" dropped.
Uh... yeah it was in 2021. During the whole pandemic on Earth. Why?
I remember hearing about how it was supposed to drop like 2 years before or something, and then when it finally dropped it was like the biggest thing for a while.
Yeah, it was very anticipated. I was.. like 13 when it dropped? I was really into Kanye at that time, still am. Did you ever listen to Kids See Ghosts?
Yes. Great album. I love "Freeee (Ghost Town Pt. 2)" off of that album, it makes me feel like a god sometimes but usually I can listen to it and enjoy it like a regular human being.
I personally like "Kids See Ghosts" by Kids See Ghosts from the album "Kids See Ghosts". It's really good.
(Bear 31 begins singing "Kids See Ghosts" by Kids See Ghosts. Albert joins in after 3 seconds. The singing stops.)
(Laughing) Man that's awesome. Did you ever buy any Kanye merch?
I bought some Yeezys in like 2029 only to find out they were fake ones. It was like (US)$3,000 today wasted. To put it into perspective, water was only like (US)$8.
I know, I remember, dumbass. I'm not THAT young.
Okay, okay. But yeah, wasted money.
Yeah, I know, I'm stupid for it.
(Laughs.) Yeah, loser. Imagine buying Yeezys, thinking they're the real deal, only to find out they're fake.
Man, shut up. Anyways, uh.. what do you like doing in your spare time?
Aside from that.
Well, I like playing games like Team Fortress 2.
Isn't Team Fortress like 30 years old?
Doesn't mean it's not a good game. Plus on Source 2, the graphics are somehow better and goofier than before. I love that game the way I love my girlfriend.
Since when do you have a girlfriend? Is this one like Kaylee? I swear to god, Bear.
No no no, this one is normal I guarantee you that. I love her dearly, she doesn't hate me, it's not a toxic relationship. I promise.
But team fortress, it's a great game. I don't know why you're hating on it the way you are.
I don't know what you're talking about, dude. I never said it wasn't a good game, just said it's really old. Old but gold.
Old but gold, exactly. Have you ever played it?
No, but I've heard it's a classic.
It truly is. You've at least played Minecraft, right? Or W23K, it's a great game. I don't think anyone's heard of it if I'm keeping it real.
Hampton Simulator! I love that game. It's great.
The soundtrack being made by the great Tyler, The Creator was a great decision.
What the hell? He made the soundtrack for that game?!
Yeah! This is like, common knowledge you millennial.
Shut the hell up, I am NOT a millennial. I'm Gen Z.
You're literally early late gen alpha reaching beta you god damn loser. (Laughs.)
Okay millennial. (Laughs.)
Whatever. But the soundtrack for W23K was made by Tyler, The Creator? That's insane.
Yeah. What do you like doing in 23K?
I love just running around and killin' shit. Like with the Henderson.
The Henderson? That's for wusses, c'mon man.
Well then, what do you use?
382 revolver, easily the greatest weapon of the game.
That's literally the worst weapon in the whole game (laughs).
That's the point. Everyone sucks with it but being good with nothing but the worst revolver created in the history of mankind really says something about your skill at the game.
I guess. How's life been in KHS' care?
Life's actually been a lot better, considering I was homeless for a time.
Can you give us some stories from when you were a homeless teddy bear in the streets of Los Angeles?
Yeah, sure. Let me think of an interesting story.
In the mean time, I would like to thank KHS for allowing this all to come together. Same to CherryCherry for giving us our studio to hold this interview in. Los Angeles truly is a beautiful place.
Dude what the fuck are you talking about? (Laughs.) It's not beautiful if you're a part of the homeless. I once witnessed a solid 6 people get shot over some meth. Over meth. Think about it. Some parts are nice, sure. Most aren't. South and East LA are awful places to be, while North and West LA are pretty places everyone knows about. Since Mars got terraformed, crime only worsened in Los Angeles, gang violence increased, shit dude poverty went up too. I couldn't do anything but watch.
Damn. That's.. I'm sorry. I hope all of you living in Los Angeles get home safely tonight. Could you elaborate on the 6 people? If it's too traumatic, don't.
I ain't no bitch. I'll tell the story. It was late at night, like I wanna say midnight. On a corner in Compton, on Bennett Street and Oleander Avenue, like on the block with the elementary school; there was a drug deal going on, this guy was charging like $60 for a gram of meth. I was just watching. There were about 8 people involved in the deal. One of em got mad at the price, one thing led to another, the dealer pulls a gun on the other and and boom. He's got like, a rifle, and shoots at 5 of the people. He makes sure they're dead, like double checking them by shooting them once in the head. One guy apparently is alive and has a pistol, shoots the dealer like in his chest and then his head, it was an insane sight. I knew I was safe since I was just a teddy bear, no one thinks about shooting a teddy bear, but the loud bangs still scared me.
Jesus Christ. That's... intense.
Yeah. It was insane. This one girl I dated named Breanne like, shot a crackhead 5 times with a Tec-9 and he apparently kept running.
I hope she's doin' well. Breanne, if you're listening, hi. Hope you've found your way out of drugs and violence.
What's the craziest experience you've ever had while living in the streets?
Hm... okay so, I used to move around through gangs like, for example. These two gangs named the Donuts and MVMFUTHAS, which stood for the Most Violent MFs Under The Hot Arizona Sun, absolutely hate each other like despise one another. I'd join one gang and then join the other, alternating between the two and no one seemed to notice. MVMFUTHAS is native to Arizona, obviously, but they- I'm not going to into the history of MVMFUTHAS unless you want me to.
Alright. So, the Most Violent MFs Under The Hot Arizona Sun originated in Gilbert, Arizona in like 2015, on like The Islands. It was founded by Vincent Reyes, better known for his street name "vibin". The Donuts originated in that same place. This is what lead to the main rivalry between the two groups, they both originally tried to take over The Islands of Gilbert, which the MVMFUTHAS ultimately did. The Donuts fell out of power for a while, and then they popped up in Los Angeles, around Compton. That's where the MVMFUTHAS chased them down to make sure they didn't create a sphere of influence there.
That's where all out warfare broke out in Southern Los Angeles. This also reignited some fights between the Bloods and Crips in Compton. The murder rate at one point reached like, 250 murders per 100,000 people, I think? I don't remember, but it was crazy, dude. All because the MVMFUTHAS and Donuts started feuding in LA.
Thas crazy, man. So, from what I understand.. the Donuts and Most Violent MFs feuded in Arizona. The Donuts lost, so they went to LA and tried to..?
The Donuts wanted to take over territory of Los Angeles and the Inland Empire in general, but mainly LA.
Mmm, okay, that's something I was a little confused about, like, why did this loser ass gang-
This stupid fucking loser ass wacky ass goofy ass group of pathetic-
(Laughing) Don't fucking say that, they'll get you dawg.
You're telling me I'm supposed to be afraid of this team that couldn't win to the Most Violent MFs Under The Hot Arizona Sun?
Believe it or not, they've actually gained numbers and some strength. They've started feuding with the Bloods and have alliances with Crips and Sureños. They will murder you if you talk shit about them, trust me.
Alright, sorry. So, the Donuts went to LA to gain some territory.
And then this lead to a whole war in LA that continues to this day.
Interesting. Have you ever killed a man?
What the fuck is that question?
I'm just curious, like, you used to be a part of these rivaling gangs, did you ever have to kill someone?
Okay, well. This won't get me arrested, will it?
No, you're protected under our company's legal services.
Alright. My current body count is 14.
You've killed 14 people?
Yes. It was usually because I'm a small teddy bear with some gun and no one suspects a thing, I was a good hitman. I became known as "Big 31" because of my abilities with a firearm.
What abilities were those?
The fuck do you think they were? Cooking ramen with the barrel of a gun?
I can literally see all around me without moving. Like that over there, that's the exit sign. (The exit sign was behind Bear 31, Bear 31 did not turn around to see it.)
Right, I forgot. Sorry.
Nah, it's fine.